We Are All Doing the Best We Can

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~Maya Angelou

As this clod of dirt and magnificent beauty propels me through space, the best thing I can do for my fellow human beings, and myself, is to believe that we are all just doing the best we can. This takes me  out of judgment and breaks my habit of being so critical, not only of others but of myself as well.

What I failed to realize until recently is when I am criticizing someone else, I am just exhibiting my own critical nature. If you are thinking that some people are just bad hombres, and criticizing them is just calling them out for what they are, I understand. I used to think that, too. However, what I learned is that my criticism of another human being is always based on limited information. Who is to say that given the same circumstances as the one I am criticizing if I would not have acted the same?

In her research, sociologist Brene Brown interviewed women who were living what she defines as “engaging in the world from a place of authenticity and worthiness,” and she found that these women were not quick to judge themselves or others. She said it seemed that they were living the maxim, “We are all doing the best we can.”

It was hard for me to realize how critical I can be. Since I have been critical of others and life in general, I have included myself in the mix. I have been extremely hard on myself, so slamming myself for criticizing others was just the way I operated. Just like others, however, I learned to be critical. The people around me who were critical learned to be critical from someone, and the cycle continues.

Being critical of others was even downplayed by people I knew as something that wasn’t hurtful because it was just a little secret between two people who promised to never repeat it.

That logic, I now realize, is off. My criticism says more about me than it does about the other person. I have written before about the destructive nature of gossip, but this is the first time I have included that gossip destroys the gossiper.

Whenever I am criticizing you, I am criticizing myself. Zen Buddhist teacher Cheri Huber puts it this way in her book, There Is Nothing Wrong With You;

Anytime a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it. Even if it is talking about someone else, don’t believe it. Even if it is directed at someone else, it is the voice of your self-hate. It is simply hating you through an external object. It can hate you by directly telling you what a lousy, rotten person you are, and it can hate you indirectly by pointing out what’s wrong “out there.”

Almost all spiritual traditions address the importance of non-judgment, the power of our word, and the power we have to hurt others by judging them with our words. One particular tradition that I love because of its simplicity is the Toltec tradition, which has been shared widely by Don Miguel Ruiz. In his book The Four Agreements, the fourth and final agreement is to “Always Do Your Best.”  Here is what Don Miguel says about this agreement:

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

Just committing everyday to doing our best, whatever that is, we can know that we couldn’t have done better at that time. While I believe that people are simply doing their best at any given time, committing to doing my best keeps me aware of the values I have set out to live by. In Don Miguel’s case, it would be living the three other agreements: be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, and don’t assume.

One drawback of the wonderful explosion of connectivity and resources called the Internet is how visible our own self-hate has become. It presents itself as hate of others, but it is really how much we despise ourselves.

Some would say that the Internet has not been good for the world, but that is only true if we refuse to see ourselves clearly. This is not about changing anyone but ourselves. In fact, it is more about accepting and loving ourselves. Once we do that, we can love and accept others. Operating from the belief that people are doing the best they can, and that begins with me, is the beginning of a more loving world.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash