The Urge to Fix Myself

 

“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.”― E.B. White

It happens all of the time. I go around in circles, it seems, between working on myself and trying to fix everything I think is broken in the world. Neither plan is right, but it is an urge I get, so I am going to look closely at that urge to try and understand it. 

Since I have been around and around on this for some time, I feel kind of silly when I notice myself falling back into my fix-r-upper phase. I think looking within is sometimes just too difficult, and it is easier to look without and find problems that are easier to fix. 

This comes back to loving myself. Just breathing and accepting who I am, which I must admit is nearly impossible so far. I know I want to get there, and I know that I would want the same for everyone I know, for everyone, period. Where did I get this need to fix myself? To improve? 

Some reading this will wonder why I even ask that question. Self-improvement is the “American Way.” I am not sure it is reserved for Americans alone, but it is pervasive in the culture in which I was raised. 

When I look at the world and want to fix something, or I know someone who I feel needs my help, I think  I am wondering into “looking at the speck in my neighbor’s eye while I have a log in my own.” That is when it is time to go within and just be. 

While I believe Buddhist monk, Cheri Huber, when she says there is nothing to fix because there is nothing wrong with me, I, also, know that my perception of there being something wrong is the log that is blocking my view. 

I am writing this today as a reminder that whenever I get the urge to fix others or the world, the only power I have is to remove that log in my eye, so I can see clearly. Who I am adds to the beauty of the world. Trying to fix others is a way that I avoid accepting myself. It is just a projection.