There is Nothing Wrong with You
“The greatest evil that can befall man is that he should come to think ill of himself.”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If your life has been anything like mine, you have received a lot of messages which make you believe that in some ways, or maybe in many ways, you just don’t measure up. I am here to spread the word that we have been duped.
In fact, there is nothing wrong with us at all. Just pay attention to the thoughts you had as you read that. Let’s try it again, “There is nothing wrong with you.” Now what? Are you coming up with a list of things that you certainly need to improve. There are so many areas in which you could be better. In fact, you are terrible at several things, and you are just about to start a self-improvement plan to work on them.
Don’t.
Stop telling yourself that there is something wrong with you. Period. I mean it. Stop. Every time you start to put yourself down, apologize for who you are, don’t do it. Zip it! Bite your lip. Cover your mouth. Sing a song. Do whatever it takes to stop finding things wrong with yourself.
I have Zen monk, Cheri Huber, to thank for my liberation from the self-improvement treadmill. Her book, There is Nothing Wrong with You, is genius. Cheri writes about how we are told from a young age that there are things about us that just don’t measure up. A word of caution, this is not about blaming parents because our parents were just doing what their parents did, and their parents (our great-grandparents) were just doing what their parents did….you get the point.
What is important to understand is that what we have been told about ourselves is wrong. When others were telling us that we needed to be different, or we had to conform to their wishes to be loved by them, they were just passing on what they had been told to believe, that what they were was not good enough, either, and that is never a good place to be.
In fact, I am willing to assert that this place of self-hate is the reason the world is in such a predicament. Think of it. What if everyone on the planet decided to love him or herself? Imagine what life would be like!
We are too fat, too skinny, too talkative, too quiet, too indecisive, too quick to decide…..and it goes on and on.
And the worst part is that all of this just makes us really unhappy. Why? Because there are so many conditions we are putting on ourselves to actually be happy. When I lose ten pounds, when I become smarter and earn that degree, when I finally work my way up to the top and get that perfect job, when I learn to “win friends and influence people,” and on it goes.
We are never right here in this moment content with the way we are.
Actually loving ourselves, just as we are, unconditionally, is our key to freedom, and even though we are always in possession of that key, we don’t use it. We don’t know how to. We are much better at berating ourselves than loving ourselves.
The other day I was in my office talking to a student who is going through a particularly difficult time in her young life. Her mother is battling a life-threatening disease, and she, herself, has some personal challenges as well. She was late turning in a paper and had missed class because of a 24 hour stomach virus. She apologized over and over, and she berated herself, promising to be better in the future.
I asked her to stop apologizing; at least, only apologize once if she must. Then I asked her something, “If you told your best friend what you were going through, what do you think she would say to you right now?”
She answered that her friend would be supportive. Then I told her to be that friend from now on to herself.
I’ve been doing this lately, and I can say it is revolutionary. When I am going through a particularly hard time, when I have spoken to someone in a way that I regret, or when life seems to be dumping on me more than I can take, I talk to myself like I would to a friend who is going through the same thing.
“It’s okay. We all lose it sometimes. You need a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life can be hard.”
I suggest that you try it. It feels amazing. Plus, contrary to what you might think, when we get off our own backs, when we support and care for ourselves, we are more likely to act in ways that are loving and kind to others.
That is just how it works.
You will never be “perfect.” What does that mean anyway? We are human beings with a range of emotions. Life throws us curve balls. Sure, we might want to respond in more loving ways, and we might want to eat better and exercise more, but beating up on ourselves makes it less likely that we will do those things.
I remember when I was learning about a parenting style called Positive Discipline from author Jane Nelsen, she wrote something that has stayed with me all these years.
“Where did parents get the crazy idea that in order to make children behave, parents should make them feel shame, humiliation, or even pain? Children are more motivated to cooperate, learn new skills, and offer affection and respect when they feel encouraged, connected, and loved.”
Parents do this because they were taught to believe that making someone feel worse about themselves will motivate them to do better. Where did they learn it? From their parents. Only it doesn’t work that way.
The paradox is that only when we feel good about ourselves can we do the things that we want to do to change the things we want to change. The carrot and stick method of self-improvement turns out to be incomplete.
I want to be more patient. I want my words to be kind. I want my friends and family to feel loved by me.
I am not always successful at these things, but beating myself up when I fall short is not the way to go. I am going to mess up sometimes. I am only human. When I am patient with myself, use kind words towards myself, and love myself as I am, then I am more likely to do those things when I am with others.
Don’t buy the snake oil that says you have to be hard on yourself to be the person you think you should be. Start loving the person that you are, all of yourself.
Only then can you be happy. Right now in this moment accept yourself totally and completely.
And watch what happens. You will be amazed.
Peace and Joy,
