The Voice of Self-Compassion Part 2

June 1, 2018 Off By Deby Jizi

“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities.” Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

In Part I of The Voice of Self-Compassion, I ended the blog post with a quote from Cheri Huber about not listening to any voice in our heads that is not coming from a place of kindness and compassion. You may object and say that you are engaging in constructive criticism about yourself, and that it is necessary for improvement.

You declare, “I’ll be happy with myself when I lose weight.” You go on a diet, decide to exercise every day, and in the end you lose the weight. If you have waited to accept yourself until you reach this goal, you have just found a way to accept yourself conditionally. Kristen Neff, a psychologist who has dedicated her life’s work to researching self-compassion, writes about this way of accepting ourselves:

‘Contingent self-worth’ is a term psychologists use to refer to a sense of self-esteem that depends on success or failure, on approval or disapproval. Several common areas of contingent self-worth have been identified, such as personal attractiveness, peer approval, competition with others, work/ school success, family support, feeling virtuous, and even God’s love.” Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

The problem with contingent self-worth is that we are not going to always make the grade. Being human includes missteps and learning curves. We are going to fall down. If we get up and brush ourselves off, ranting about how idiotic or stupid we have been, we are not going to have the strength we need to keep going. Understanding that all humans falter, that we rarely reach our goals on the first try or without much trial and error, helps us to maintain our motivation to keep growing.

Learning to be your own best friend is the only way to begin this journey. Even your inability to do that can be held in self-compassion:

“We don’t need to be perfect to feel good about ourselves, and our lives don’t need to be any certain way for us to be content. Every one of us has the capacity for resilience, growth, and happiness, simply by relating to our ever-arising experience with both compassion and appreciation. And if you feel you can’t change, that it’s too hard, that the countervailing forces of our culture are too strong, then have compassion for that feeling and start from there.” Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

This may be a radical way of being for you. If you are used to chastising yourself when you don’t meet yours or others’ expectations, this may take some practice. When I started practicing self-compassion, it felt like I had a new best friend, in myself! Instead of beating myself up for something, I would say something like, “It’s okay. You are learning. Sometimes it is hard to learn something new. You’ll get it in time. Hang in there.”

These are words I would use with a friend. I would never berate a friend when I see her working hard to master something. Encouragement would be the order of the day. We deserve to give ourselves this same compassion and care.

Try it. I guarantee you will be transformed.

Breathe deeply and let the voice of compassion come through.

Peace and Joy,