Being YOU is an Act of Love

“At some point, now or later, you are going to have to risk BEING YOU in order to find out who that really is.” ~ Cheri Huber

 

Can you recall a time when you hid your true feelings from another person because you believed that saying what you felt would mean rejection? It is a good idea before reading the rest of this post to do your best to remember such a time. It may have been a long time ago, or it may have been this morning. It doesn’t matter.

While you are thinking of your experience, I am going to share one of mine. When I was a senior in high school, I accompanied my friend on a short trip a few hours from our town in North Carolina to Duke University, where her sister was a first year student. After we picked up her sister, we were driving around campus when she pointed to a statue of a man. She said the legend was the man in the statue would stand if a virgin passed by. At seventeen, I could feel my face go flush, but I didn’t say anything. I was a virgin, after all, but I gathered from the laughter it was nothing to brag about.

I was never a prude, but I wasn’t about to lose my virginity just so that I could say I wasn’t a virgin, and my normal bossy self would usually have stepped in and said as much. Not this time. I sat in embarrassed silence. Tongue-tied.

My friend, her sister, and I had grown up across the street from each other, but we weren’t as close as we had been in our childhood days. Looking back, I don’t know why I cared so much about what they thought about me, but I did. Most of all, I was embarrassed about my choice to wait to have sex until the right guy came along. It seemed so old-fashioned in that context. In short, I was not being myself with those two girls, and I felt terrible. I couldn’t wait to get home.

One of the reasons we don’t like ourselves is we aren’t authentic when it comes to other people. Our desire to fit in, to not be rejected, causes us to hide parts of ourselves, often important parts.

Now so many years later, I watch young women I have met completely change before my eyes in order to get the man they are interested in to love and accept them. Not speaking up to my friends had no real consequence other than how uncomfortable I felt. However, getting into a relationship with someone by giving up what we previously held important can lead to serious problems down the road.

I know. I did it.

In the effort to be accepted and loved, I got into a second marriage that I never wanted. What I wanted was for someone to think I was special. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel valued. If it meant marrying someone when every fiber of my being was screaming no, well then I would take the Zoloft and do it. And I did.

It was probably the worst thing and the best thing I ever did, which sounds strange, but it is true. Eventually, my body and brain rebelled so much from this decision that I was diagnosed with GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, gained 30 pounds, became pre-diabetic, and started getting terrible colds. That doesn’t sound good, I know, but then I woke up.

My life became so miserable that I had to ask a few important questions. Why is this happening? and, How can I make it stop?

That is when I discovered that being ME, in all caps, was the way out of the hell I had made for myself.

I started saying what I meant, and meaning what I said.

I started paying attention to what I really thought and believed, and stated it whenever the opportunity arose.

I started making lists of what I liked and what I didn’t like.

I wrote down my values, and I started living by them.

Miracle of all miracles, I felt better. Almost immediately!

I ended my marriage. Got a new job. Started eating healthy food and exercising.

Most of all, I found myself for the first time in my life.

This did not happen all over night; it has been a process. I am four and a half years into this experience, and I am still learning.

So, if you are feeling stuck, unhappy, simply out of sorts….you may need to find out who YOU are as well. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever did.

Why?

Because being someone you aren’t isn’t living.

Being who you are is.

That person I was looking to love me…I found her. She’s me.

Peace and Joy,

Photo by Zack Minor on Unsplash